Astronaut Needed
I know, I know, this is wildly off-topic. Not free. Not unrealistically for sale. Not even a free service, like some posts. But hey, people on the voting page seemed to like it. So in the spirit of helping reduce unemployment worldwide, by one, we bring you “Astronaut Needed.”
Sure, you won’t make it out alive, but at least you’ll have helped realize someone’s dream. Or hallucination.
There’s a seemingly related post over at Emails From Crazy People.
Astronaut needed for experimental flight to Titan. I have been working on this project now for near 40 years and am afraid I’m no longer fit enough to go.
My secret space craft is the result of my professional experience and imagination while serving the U.S. military in advanced aeronautics as a scientist.The craft harnesses a revolutionary propulsion system and its fuselage is fabricated with the most advanced material. While considerably safe, I am certain you will make it safely to Titan but there will not be enough fuel to get home. This is for someone unique that has always wanted to see the universe first-hand and has perhaps a terminal view on life here at home. Here’s your shot at romantic history.
Must be:
-physically fit.
-mentally sound.
-over the age of 18.
-a dreamer.
-a believer.
-not afraid of heights.
-not afraid of extreme conditions such as speed, pressure, heat, etc.
-brave.
-no taller than 5′10 and relatively slim.
-good eye-sight & hearing.
-manual dexterity (although the craft is largely cpu controlled).
-OK in cramped conditions for long periods of time.
Hmm. I qualify in every way, except the dreamer, believer, and suicidal characteristics. Rats.
Where do I sign up?
Dang, I’m too tall and not slim. I don’t qualify.
And frankly, why is he paying $25,000 for this when you’re not going to return from deep space?
When, exactly, do I get my money?
I guess the money is either to pay off any debt or to spend on hookers so you can get all you can before the bon voyage.
Does this guy know the difference between feet and meters? If so, I think there are some spots open at NASA.
Wait… Wouldn’t responding to an offer to send you on a one-way trip to a frozen moon many light-minutes away from Earth indicate that you are not, in fact, mentally sound? Is anyone else seeing similarities to a passage in Catch 22?
Link Not As Described. If you want to link to the Emails From Crazy People site, best get the posting date correct. Or at least check your links to make sure they actually work before posting them.
@Sanity Injection
Uh, the link worked just fine for me…
I feel like this ad should end with “Safety not Guaranteed.”
Sounds like a likely cross-over with emailsfromcrazypeople.com
Does Dr. Demento know about this guy?
It sounds crazy but maybe, just maybe, there’s a gas station on Titan.
“The craft harnesses a revolutionary propulsion system”
I’ve painstakingly put 40 years on this thing, yet I have no name for it. Don’t these guys usually name these things some kind of name that only they associate with? Like..the Xandar system? Or Jeri Ryan propulsion? Additionally using said name as if anyone else knows what they’re talking about.
“and its fuselage is fabricated with the most advanced material.”
This material is so advanced…dude…so advanced. More like I’m not even sure what NASA is using for the shuttle, I’ll just make it sound bigger and better somehow.
He made it out of two tin cans and a funnel a la Button Moon. He’s probably sitting outside his house in a deckchair right now wearing a tin foil helmet, and possibly being monitored by the FBI.
Sounds like he will need a “Flux-capacitor” …how sad that it won’t return home…haha
Oh yes, sign me up. This sounds great!
If I were shorter and crazier, and maybe had less than six months to live, I might do it just to see what kind of crazy machine he’d actually cooked up. I mean, if you’re gonna go, spectacular fireballs in unsafe craft at high altitude seems like a way to do it.
Why go all the way to Titan? Why not pick someplace that’s less than half that distance–say, Mars–so the intrepid astronaut can return?
Or if this thing is only capable of outbound travel, why not simply mount a camera and transmitter and go take pictures of Titan?
But most importantly, why am I devoting this much time to thinking about it?
@Sanity Injection
Links work. Don’t be a dick.
my mom taught me not to pick on any of you retards. but i can make fun of you behind your backs-okay, turn around…………
wow. whooda thunk someone that crazy would be up in sane canada?? yoikes. at least he knows he cant make the trip. hope he finds another tinfoil hat wearer to befriend him…
You know, $25K will get probably you a rather nice funeral.
Hmm, let me check my calendar… yup, I’m free for the rest of my life, sign me up! That $25K will come in handy for my retirement! Should I bring a sweater?
Heat is listed as one of the extreme conditions, so I suspect the sweater would be unnecessary.
That and it probably won’t survive the ‘enormous fireball’ stage long enough for you to get cold.
Wow, brave AND not afraid? That’s going to be tough…
Andy Griffith is living in Canada now?
(For you young folks – Salvage, a 1979 TV movie where Andy Griffith builds a rocket in his back yard and flies to the moon.)
This has just GOT to be Doug Pederson.
http://www.thestupidestmanonearth.com/
There’s a post on emailsfromcrazypeople about him. He thinks that there is abundant life on Titan.
Why would someone have use for 25,000 if they weren’t going to return? I guess you could buy an insurance policy.
nah, screw that! rent The Player (tim robbins movie) and compare the storyline to what just happened to david letterman.
Here are a few things I’ve learned through careful observation:
1. If you have to explain it, it isn’t funny. No “He should call the Rockettes (Get it? ‘Rockettes/Rockets’?).” Either rethink the gag or forget it. The explanation is like a vampire that sucks the life out of what was already dead.
2. Unless you provided (and altered) a photo, don’t claim that it’s Photoshopped.
3. Claiming “First!” is meaningless unless you’re Neil Armstrong.
You know, if he weren’t in Canada, I might respond to that ad.
No irony here. Not that I believe him, but I’d love to see what the real story is. And far from being suicidal–the first person on a manned space flight to Titan, and the first person on a private space flight that actually goes anywhere. There’s immortality in that.
Whoops! He wants mentally SOUND – I thought it said STONED. Nevermind…
// Ann slinks off into the wilderness
I’m thinking that the “revolutionary propulsion system” is a few bundles of dynamite and a match.
“No phone calls about this job?”
Sounds like a scam. Show up, he kill you!
He sounds like a Kurt Vonnegut fan who has gone too far… I highly doubt he will find Winston Niles Rumfoord, or his giant dog, on Titan.
I’ve been outside tonight looking towards the stars and wondering which one is Titan. Would like to know where I’m going first before committing myself.
Okay, when I first skimmed this over I thought “huh, some X-Prize hopeful, low Earth orbit, whatev–wait, Titan? …Titan. …TITAN? oh hell no.”
@JD – http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Titan_(moon)
@Chaobell
I checked it out and DAMN…hydrocarbons. More pollution even on other planets. I bet also climate warming going on there too. Guess I’ll hang out on Earth.