Item not as described.

Found by: Brian T on Bellingham Craigslist

MINI BIKE 4 SALE TOTE GOAT I WAS GOING TO GET IT GOING, .LOST INTEREST. SO HERE YOU GO ITS YOURS FOR 75.00 OBO / TRADE? CALL RON

“Jesse, this is all the mini-bike you get until you learn to do your chores. You start doing the dishes, you get a motor. You mow the lawn, you get a chain. Eventually – maybe not this year, maybe not next year – we’ll see about a gas tank and brakes. You keep an eye on what needs doing around the house – extra parts for extra initiative. That’s right, come up with your own chores, I can’t do everything around here.”

Tim-Tom Some Assembly Required missing pieces

Found by: Tyler on Oklahoma City

we have 14 counter conveyors free to pick up.

When a company opens a grocery store, one of the things it wants to convey is cleanliness. So they buy spiffy new appliances and fixtures to make it appear to the customer that germs are the last thing they need to worry about.

So what happens to old, used, icky looking grocery store fixtures? Well, they’re given away to a relatively rare species of businessperson. The grocer . . . of the damned.

Tim-Tom as-is . . . of the damned

Found by: Lisa on Providence Craigslist

free 2ft 1975 sportfiherman. boat is located underwater in warwick. free to anyone who can haul it out at there own time and expense

If you want the boat, please also take the concrete-shod remains of Joey “Jumbo” Giambo. They’re a few yards further out from shore, but in fairly good condition.

Tim-Tom as-is boat, submerged

Found On: Los Angeles Craigslist By:Garett

Free screen door. Has some rust and some crazy guy who lived here tried to weld himself in, so there are some weld marks near the knob. I have no idea how to get this thing off my door. You haul. First one here gets it.

This is so common a free classified ploy that it’s hardly worth talking about anymore. This person wants a service performed, and is trying to have it done under the guise of a “giveaway.” What would you get if you did this? Well, after you drove there with your torch and put in some time trying to get this loose (while not burning down the house), you’d be left with a rusty screen door with torch marks. Or some scrap steel. At about six cents a pound, you might get two bucks out of the deal.

Woo hoo?

The true text here should be: “I need someone with a torch and metalsmithing skills to make my rental unit usable again. Until I get the help I need, I am out about $1k a month – I can’t rent it if I can’t open it. Dear god, please help, I will pay you handsomely to remove this and get my life back to normal. I’m asking future tenants to submit to psychiatric tests.”

Tim-Tom voting-page

Found On: Omaha Craigslist By: Kayleigh

hi..this is a black and decker 3.5 electric lawn mower ..the motor needs rebuilt..

Boy, this is a real eye-opener. That’s what a lawnmower is? I love that stuff! I completely misunderstood what my parents wanted me to do out in the yard every Saturday afternoon. Oh, the misplaced resentment. I think I need to call my dad.

Found On: SF Bay Craigslist By: SJ

various swim team league ribbons (1-8th place) about 200.. come pick them up or we’ll mail them COD

But you know what? Screw him. I remember the day I learned they make Eighth Place ribbons. After they handed me mine, my dad could barely look at me. On the ride home, he muttered something about “no scrap iron medal in the Olympics.” Some days, I still blame the organizers of that so-called “fun run” for the distance between us.

Well, that and all the fights over mowing the lawn.

Tim-Tom as-is

Found On: SantaFe Craigslist By: Angela L

1956 International bus, built -on loft. Dose’nt run, no title, will write you bill of sale. You tow away & it’s yours!!

“You tow.” To the nearest overpass, where the top will be sheared off. It will hit the car driving behind you, seriously injuring the driver. You will then be sued. Your insurer will decline to pay on your policy, citing the “incredibly stupid acts” clause on page 74. You will lose the suit, and have a judgment for $875,000 entered against you. Your wages will be garnished. Any property you own will be attached and levied against. You will be left with nothing – except the notation on your check stub indicating that “your wages have been garnished.” Your only hope will be to sue the person who gave you the truck, for fraud. After all, “free” was obviously a lie.

Tim-Tom Uncategorized, voting-page bus, habitrail, what, Woodstock

Found On: Allentown Craigslist By: Jimmy

FREE DOG HOUSE — HOME MADE — DOG NEVER USED AND HAS BEEN OUTSIDE FOR 6 YEARS — MADE NEED SOME WORK BUT IT IS FREE

This is a dig at my dog, isn’t it?

“My dog won’t go near this – he has standards. But hey, maybe yours is a hobo. Come and get it.”

Look, my pooch may not be Trouble Helmsley, but he won’t sleep just anywhere.

Tim-Tom Spooky creepy, Dog House, homemade, never used

Found On: Atlanta Craigslist By:Tyler A

Sure, we’re being a little flexible with our topic, but he is offering a free service. And one that may warrant a shrill comment or two. We bring you: guy who advertises his services as lady-shaver. Because who wouldn’t want a complete stranger holding an exceptionally sharp device near her . . . ?

A special thanks goes out to all you lovely ladies who have taken me up on this incredible offer in the past. And, to those of you who have yet to take advantage, what are you waiting on?

Total number of “lovely ladies” = 0.

Incredibleness of offer = very. I’m having trouble giving it credence right now.

What am I waiting on? My nausea to disappear.

Over the years, I have perfected a way to produce one of the smoothest shaves between your legs that you will ever experience using common everyday off the shelf products. There is a technique to it and the products to do it cost less than $10 and this is for several shaves.

Wait a minute. Are you about to try to sell me something? Are you part of some ultra-skeezy version of Amway?

Here is what I will do for you at absolutely no cost and no commitment on your part to do anything you don’t want to do.

You know what I “don’t want to do”? I don’t want to ever have seen this post. I don’t want to know you and your predilections exist. So I’ve already done something I don’t want to do. I feel cheapened. May as well let you shave me. That was your plan all along, wasn’t it?

You pick the place and time and I will show up and shave you smooth and clean, leaving no nicks, no bumps and no hair between your legs. You aren’t required to get totally naked unless you want to and I will keep my clothes on unless you say differently. I completely understand how uneasy this may make you feel so feel free to have your girlfriend, boyfriend, husband or significant other present. In fact, they can watch and do it the next time.

I don’t think you do understand how uneasy this makes me feel. I also do not want to turn this into some sort of “Tupperware Party,” so I think I’ll keep my friends and family away.

Why do I do this?

Because of something that happened between you and your mother at a very young age that you have somehow neglected to discuss with any of the mental health professionals you have visited?

A good thing doesn’t have to cost you and I really enjoy spending the time and showing people how to do something that most anyone can do.

Your selflessness is touching . . . me.

What have you got to lose (except a little hair of course!)?

Self-respect? Ability to interact with strangers in the future? My carefully assembled sense of well-being? Self-respect?

If it matters, I am a happily married man for 27 years.

Oh, it matters. To your wife. Will she be out in the car?

This is not about sex,

It’s primarily about “ick,” but I think it’s about sex, too.

it’s about making you happy!

Epic making-me-happy fail.

Tim-Tom classy creepy, m4w, not sex, shaving, smooth