Item not as described.

Found On: Bay Area

“The rocking chair and settee are very very old.”

Very, very old. Like, Civil War old. In fact, I’m pretty sure this furniture fought in the Civil War. I don’t know where that hole could have come from other than the Battle of Gettysburg.

Jessica as-is Add new tag, broken, furniture, useless, wrecked

Found On: Houston Craigslist

By: Preston P

I have a Large pile of Broken Concrete from inside home! Will Help Load!

Look, it’s Christmas Eve, you don’t have any ideas, and the stores are closing early anyway. This is as good as it’s gonna get. Just wrap them up and call them paperweights.

Stephen as-is broken, unwieldy, useless, wtf

Found by: Alana on Tampa Craigslist

My son’s Elmo Live doll stopped talking.

Cold-shoulder Elmo.

We took him apart but were unable to fix him.

Flatline Elmo? No, Humpty Dumpty Elmo sounds better.

With batteries, the pieces still move.

Sounds a little like Zombie Elmo now.

This Elmo is no longer usable as a toy.

Doorstop Elmo.

His fur has been partially removed, he doesn’t talk, etc.

Bury-Me Elmo.

Great for someone who needs spare parts

Franken-Elmo.

or likes playing with robotics/electronics.

To create the Elmo-nator.

Stephen Some Assembly Required broken, toys

Found by: Llianexsi on Chicago Craigslist

You know those Red Bull beverage holders you see at grocery stores and kwiky-marts? Well, now it can be yours! For free!!

There’s been a Red Bull cooler in the backyard of my building, and the owners left it when they moved. It’s been outside for awhile, and has exterior damage in a couple places (the worst is located on the back, pictured below), but I brought it in a few weeks ago and cleaned it up. It definitely still gives that “Oh, cool, you’ve got a Red Bull container” effect. Has a tube, maybe for draining melted ice? (Also pictured below, the tube pushes back in.)

Perfect for patios, dorm rooms, outdoor barbeques, you name it.

Oh dear god – the rats have gotten into the Red Bull again. Let’s stay at your parents until they crash. I can’t take them when they have “wings.”

Stephen as-is broken, depressing, unsanitary

Found On: Bay Area

This is one of those free postings that make me appreciate the place of the philosopher in modern society. I’m pretty sure a dissertation – a master’s thesis at the very least – could be written on whether and under what conditions this item can be called a chair.

Maybe something like (with hat tip to Zizek) “this Deleuzian chair is, of course, not simply outside non-chairness; rather, in the ’stratigraphic’ superimposition, in this moment of chairfulness, it is CHAIR ITSELF which we experience, but in contrast, chair as opposed to the evolutionary flow of things WITHIN the chair domain.”

I’m not sure what that means, but I think it’s something like “there’s no effing way this counts as a chair.”

Stephen as-is Add new tag, broken, busted, depressing, furniture, useless

Found by: Tamara on Knoxville Craigslist

free mirrow has been broken size is 25″ x 18 1/2″x 1/4″ on the short side

So I guess it’s at least another seven years until The South rises again.

Stephen as-is broken, can't spell

Found On: Baltimore Craigslist

By: Brad & Christine

Ive never sat on them. They were left by my former roommate. Im moving and will not be taking these with me. Maybe they could be of use to you. You haul away

Some days, I think the free classifieds are just an enormous experiment in measuring our collective mental health. When people respond to posts like this, a notification is sent to Forest Laboratories, and the Celexa factory runs an overtime shift. “Yep, they’re still just barely hanging on out there.”

Of course, if you inquire about this next one, the nearby pharmacies know they need to make sure they’re stocked up on Thorazine. Because you’re more than a little crazy, aren’t you?

Found On: Las Vegas Craigslist

our dog chewed up the top of this couch, other than that it’s still a pretty good couch. it also has a fold out bed that’s still in good condition. if you want it, just come and grab it anytime, there’s no cost. it could also make for a good bonfire or chew toy for your dogs.

Stephen as-is as-is, broken, busted, couch, furniture, old, symptoms, ugly

Found by: pelagic80 on Jackson Craigslist

south of vicksburg 10 miles… we have 3 freezers that need to be fed to the hogs.. they are full and some food may be ok but we want to clean them completely out ..

there is a lot of bread and buns..some Vegitables from garden and some fish from river and some misc…

would suggest you feed it to dogs, hogs or whatever you want…I am giving it as trash…..but I ate fish from it last week seemed a little old …

must take everything in all 3 freezers..

The old “come clean up some garbage I have lying around” ploy. Directed to a very small group of potential customers – feed-scrounging hog farmers.

I enjoy the added disgusting element of “how do I know the fish went bad? I ate some.”

Right now, I’m just praying that little Timmy in the picture there isn’t entombed in of one of the refrigerators. With the fish he’s holding.

Here’s another trash pick-up request:

Read more…

Stephen as-is broken, expired, food, gross, must take all!, useless

Found by: Eva on Asheville Craigslist

I bought this thing about two years ago. I used it for two seasons and it cut great until it ran out of gas and after I filled the tank up it wouldn’t turn over anymore.

Well, now that I know that fuel will break this, it sounds perfect. Just the mower for me. If the wind blows, does it catch fire? Does sunshine make it cry?

I pulled it up to my shed and it has been sitting there ever since.

Pouting, no doubt, this sounds like one wimpy mower.

This thing is not locked up as I can turn the cylinder over with a wrench on the bottom of the pulley thingy. I don’t have time to work on this and try to get it running again.

Nor the desire, I suspect. You want a real mower, one that drinks gas like bourbon and a beer chaser, then says “let’s get back to work. Those blades won’t cut themselves – my blades will!”

The back wheels will not turn unless the engine is running.

So temperamental: “No, I won’t. No! No! No! Waahhh!”

It was like that when I bought it.

Well, then you have no one to blame but yourself, you knew what you were getting yourself into.

But when the engine was running this thing would go anywhere I needed it to.

Which wasn’t very far if you didn’t refuel it in two years. Maybe it’s your fault it’s such a delicate flower.

So now that it no longer runs its a bitch to move around.

And listen to.

So I am selling it to the best offer. Make me an offer and maybe you can take it home and fix it.

I offer you the opportunity to pay me $50 plus delivery.

This is pickup only,

Says you. You have my offer.

I will help you load it but after that I don’t even want to know this thing exists.

Salesmanship! Kudos.

If you have deep pockets I may be interested in delivering it to you but I don’t want to.

Maybe you taught this mower to whine.

Stephen Some Assembly Required broken, mower, rusty, whiny

Found by: Malia on Humboldt Craigslist

This is a working toaster oven. The problem is it doesn’t shut off automatically, so if you walk away and forget about it, it’ll keep toasting, and toasting, and toasting …. Yours for free if you think you can keep an eye on it. You will sign a liability waiver form if you want to take this toaster.

On any given day, week, or at worst, month, there are gonna be quite a few toaster ovens being given away. Something about the nature of the thing – maybe that we don’t clean them, and ultimately decide the collected crumbs, etc., are just too icky – but you can always find the toaster oven you need in the free classifieds.

Ugly, maybe, but you can find one that works.

Since free toaster ovens are common, why would I take the one that stands a fair chance – depending on how drunk, tired, or distracted I am – of killing me, my family, or the whole neighborhood? Are there people looking for the excitement of a highly dangerous appliance? The toaster-user equivalent of basejumpers? Free solo’ers? The kind of people willing to get into this pool? I think you’d have to be a pretty serious adrenaline junkie to take a shot at this one.

Stephen as-is broken, unsafe