Item not as described.

Found by: Beka on Craigslist

I have a homemade bike me and my brother built many years ago. Runs and drives but the back tire kind of rides sideways. The seat blew out a few years ago and I made do with a sofa cushion, duct tape and a couple of 2x 4’s ( the ultimate fix! ). It runs like a champ but does smoke alot especially if you are hard on the gas. Uses about a quart of oil for each gas fillup. I usually just put the oil directly in the gas as it is going to burn it anyway and that way it is easy. Can’t drive over 12 miles or so at a time as the motor gets red hot and starts loosing power so probably a good bike for someone who drives locally. Does backfire and squeel pretty loud occasionally so I usually wear earplugs of some kind. DOES NOT pass emmissions so would need to be registered in a county without emmisions check. Great first bike otherwise!

It’s the new Death Wish 1200, just in time for the 2010 model year. Illegal here in the U.S. (we’re kind of safety-crazed), but popular in Kyrgyzstan, where the “Mad Max” movies are considered reality programming. Comes with a replica of the outfit worn by Mel Gibson in “Beyond Thunderdome.” Tina Turner’s outfit is available as an option.

Stephen classy but cool nonetheless, probably illegal, unsafe

Found by: Nikki on Orange County Craigslist

I have a massage chair in good condition

Awesome! Just what I need! Can’t wait to keep reading . . .

and I’d like to trade for a 90 minute sensual massage from a female.

Oh. Let’s negotiate. How about I come up with ten extra minutes, and you drop the “fe”?

I acquired the chair in a trade so think it would be nice to let it go for a trade.

What goes around comes around. “Comes!” See what I did there?

I’m buying a new chair and have no need for this one.

Tell me more about your needs. No, don’t. I know too much about them already.

It is a good chair, not a great chair and would be perfect for anyone starting out, learning or just wanting to have one around the house. It has no rips or tears. There is no case.

I retract my ten extra minutes offer.

You don’t have to be a pro for this trade.

But if I take you up on it, I’m at least semi-pro, aren’t I?

Stephen classy disturbing, gross, probably illegal

Found by: Heather on Norfolk Craigslist

I am looking to sell a used noose. It has a little bit of ware and tear on it.

They have a little bit less sophisticated approach to assisted suicide in Hampton.

“I’m no Doctor Kevorkian, but we make do. I tie up Heaven’s Necktie, they put they’s heads through it, and dang if they don’t usually die within a few minutes. Susie cleans up, and we’ve got $10 dollars in our pockets we didn’t have before. I need to upgrade, though, with the ware and tear and all, so I’m sellin’ the old one. Gonna get something in a poly-blend. By the way, can I interest you in a coffin? Not too long, but pretty wide”:

Found by: John D on Seattle Craigslist

Small refridgerator, i am not sure if it runs as it came with my barn. Would make a great smoker. Free, you haul

Stephen classy creepy, itemlikelytoincriminate, probably illegal

Found by: Jodi on Portland Craiglist

One old ATM machine, no computer or monitor included. Could work well as a safe(includes the key), or an interesting sculpture, or as scrap. It’s heavy (over 200lbs) I do not have a title for it.

Easy comment – “ATM machine” is redundant, dumbass!

Better comment – Free hole in your living room floor -”Just a liiiitle bit further to the . . .” [crash/wailing/water-spraying-from-broken-pipes] “Honey, I told you that ‘interesting sculpture’ thing was a lie.”

Correct comment – Newest post for itemlikelytoincriminate.

Stephen Some Assembly Required itemlikelytoincriminate, probably illegal, unwieldy

Found On: Spokane Craigslist By: Nicole B

I have 4 maybe more 55 gal metal drums I believe there all full of paint. The person who I purchesed the property from used to work at kaiser aluminum. So I would think they have something to do with painting metals. Call me for location of pick up thanks

Maybe it’s just me, but I’ve always thought the word “several” has a classy feel to it. Not “a couple,” not “a few,” no “bunch,” several. So I was curious. Perhaps these several metal drums would contain monocles, or top hats. You know, something classy, in bulk. Imagine my disappointment at learning they contain toxic waste. Which brings me to Part II.

Part II (In which bad gets worse):

I’ve noted before that the free classified perusal biz comes with an inevitable quest to find the bottom. When will we see the thing that is the least desirable? The most aggressively horrifying? It never appears. There’s always something worse, you just haven’t seen it yet. Unless someone in your neighborhood is giving away the skinned carcass of a dead ex-friend – that might be hard to beat.

This is in the running for the worst of the worst of the worst. “Something to do with painting metal” = toxic waste. If this poster were to try to dispose of these legally, he’d have to do a few things. First, he’d have to contact the Washington State Department of Ecology, and probably the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency, have these drums examined, and apply for disposal permits. Then, he’d have to hire a private environmental remediation firm – guys walking around in HazMat suits, sounding like Darth Vader when they speak – to handle the materials. And of course, there’s paying for placement of the goop at some hazardous waste disposal site. A process of weeks, at a cost of thousands.

But “hey,” he thinks, “maybe I could give this stuff away on craigslist, and avoid having my new piece of land declared a profound environmental hazard! Craigslist, hell, that’s how I met my girlfriend and found my mountain bike. I’ll try it.”

Please, dear god, please tell me this won’t work.

Part III:

“Hi, I’m here for the metal drums.”

Oh, well.

Nit Picker as-is can't spell, dubious, probably illegal, unknown, unsafe, unwieldy

Found On: Dallas Craigslist

I have a trebuchet that i build for a physics project. It is stained and has gold paint on it. Its been in my backyard and i need to get rid of it. Its about 4.5 feet tall and very sturdy, holds 350 pounds from what i know. PICK UP ONLY!

On the off chance you don’t know, a trebuchet is essentially a catapult/giant slingshot. They’ve been out of style for 600 years or so, so you’re forgiven for that little gap in your knowledge. There are costs to owning a 350 pound trebuchet, there’s no getting around it. For one, it will render a huge swath of your yard unusable. The trebuchet becomes the focal point of your yard, obscuring all else. The kids can’t play ball. The dog can’t run around in high-speed figure eights.

But there are benefits. Well, one, really: you can lay seige to neighbors for blocks around. The Bostwicks over on Deacon Street? The ones who never trim the tree overhanging the sidewalk in front of their house? Load up a light bowling ball. Let them know they need to be a bit more responsible. The Singh kids down the block? The ones who bring the speakers outside on sunny weekend afternoons, blasting that weird foreign-language hip hop? Load some old Top 40 vinyl on this thing and whip it at them. A lesson in both music history and neighborliness. And Jim Edwards, with the two rusting Cadillacs out front that haven’t moved as long as you’ve lived on the street? Well, even he may get tired of looking at the cars once you’ve rained down ten pounds of landscaping rocks on them.

Be prepared for a little bit of disappointment, though. Given the arc of this thing’s swing, you’re always going to overshoot the next door neighbor. You may have to knock on her door and just ask her to mow the damned lawn.

Nit Picker Uncategorized chaos, probably illegal, unwieldy

Found On: Bay Area Craigslist

Not the first trampoline we’ve noted, but the first featuring exciting new DeathSlot* technology.

Nit Picker as-is broken, disturbing, probably illegal, unsafe