Item not as described.

Found On: Dallas Craigslist

FREE, COME AND GET IT, LET ME KNOW WHEN YOU COME TO GET IT SO I CAN BE THERE. JUST RESPONED TO THIS ADD AND I WILL CALL YOU ASAP

Well, of course, you can’t get the job done without one of . . . what’s that now? An old pick-up bed? Cattle feeding trough? Post-explosion propane tank? Wait, wait, don’t tell me – one half of a sensory-deprivation isolation tank, turned into a wildflower planter! The very one used by William Hurt in “Altered States.” A little piece of movie history, right here.

Stephen as-is unknown, useless, what is it, wtf

Found On: Scaramento Craigslist By: EJ

free can hold 4 dogs

It’s not right to tempt Michael Vick like this. I mean, his sentence just ended. They keep dragging him back in . . .

Nit Picker as-is dubious, unknown, what is it

Found On: Seattle Craigslist

I HAVE ALOT STOFS LIKES BIG BAGS CLOSES ALL GOOD
NEW CLOSES TO TVS.

As far as I can tell from this post, we’re expected to go pick up someone’s trash. Between the black plastic bags and the language barrier, there’s really no reason to think there’s anything in there worth getting, but I admire the attempt at salesmanship. Those ALL CAPS almost have me convinced to check out the STOFS and the CLOSES. I mean, it’s only time and gas, right? Oooh, and self-respect. I keep forgetting that.

Nit Picker voting-page can't spell, garbage, unknown, unlikely takers

Found On: Seattle Craigslist

It’s unclear, but whatever this is, God clearly loves it. He doesn’t spare those glowing rays for just anything.

Nit Picker Spooky dresser, dubious, unknown, what is it

Found On: Spokane Craigslist By: Nicole B

I have 4 maybe more 55 gal metal drums I believe there all full of paint. The person who I purchesed the property from used to work at kaiser aluminum. So I would think they have something to do with painting metals. Call me for location of pick up thanks

Maybe it’s just me, but I’ve always thought the word “several” has a classy feel to it. Not “a couple,” not “a few,” no “bunch,” several. So I was curious. Perhaps these several metal drums would contain monocles, or top hats. You know, something classy, in bulk. Imagine my disappointment at learning they contain toxic waste. Which brings me to Part II.

Part II (In which bad gets worse):

I’ve noted before that the free classified perusal biz comes with an inevitable quest to find the bottom. When will we see the thing that is the least desirable? The most aggressively horrifying? It never appears. There’s always something worse, you just haven’t seen it yet. Unless someone in your neighborhood is giving away the skinned carcass of a dead ex-friend – that might be hard to beat.

This is in the running for the worst of the worst of the worst. “Something to do with painting metal” = toxic waste. If this poster were to try to dispose of these legally, he’d have to do a few things. First, he’d have to contact the Washington State Department of Ecology, and probably the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency, have these drums examined, and apply for disposal permits. Then, he’d have to hire a private environmental remediation firm – guys walking around in HazMat suits, sounding like Darth Vader when they speak – to handle the materials. And of course, there’s paying for placement of the goop at some hazardous waste disposal site. A process of weeks, at a cost of thousands.

But “hey,” he thinks, “maybe I could give this stuff away on craigslist, and avoid having my new piece of land declared a profound environmental hazard! Craigslist, hell, that’s how I met my girlfriend and found my mountain bike. I’ll try it.”

Please, dear god, please tell me this won’t work.

Part III:

“Hi, I’m here for the metal drums.”

Oh, well.

Nit Picker as-is can't spell, dubious, probably illegal, unknown, unsafe, unwieldy