Item not as described.

Found On: Houston Craigslist

By: Preston P

I have a Large pile of Broken Concrete from inside home! Will Help Load!

Look, it’s Christmas Eve, you don’t have any ideas, and the stores are closing early anyway. This is as good as it’s gonna get. Just wrap them up and call them paperweights.

Stephen as-is broken, unwieldy, useless, wtf

Found On: Dallas Craigslist

FREE, COME AND GET IT, LET ME KNOW WHEN YOU COME TO GET IT SO I CAN BE THERE. JUST RESPONED TO THIS ADD AND I WILL CALL YOU ASAP

Well, of course, you can’t get the job done without one of . . . what’s that now? An old pick-up bed? Cattle feeding trough? Post-explosion propane tank? Wait, wait, don’t tell me – one half of a sensory-deprivation isolation tank, turned into a wildflower planter! The very one used by William Hurt in “Altered States.” A little piece of movie history, right here.

Stephen as-is unknown, useless, what is it, wtf

Found by: Jonathan on Jacksonville Craigslist

Full head rubber mask, old, has discoloration on white feather part from age, storage. Hey I got it on my big head, so it works that way.”

Look at this. Actually, don’t. Look away.

I see it and, for some reason, all I can think of is the chilling voice of Malcolm McDowell in A Clockwork Orange:

“There was me, that is Alex, and my three droogs, that is Pete, Georgie Boy and Dim. And we sat in the Korova Milk Bar trying to make up our rassoodocks what to do with the evening. The Korova Milk Bar sold milk plus – milk plus vellocet or synthemesc or drencrom which is what we were drinking. This would sharpen you up and make you ready for a bit of the old Ultra-Violence.”

Why does a duck mask make me think of that? I don’t think any old duck mask would, just this one. This one suggests an absence of any moral compass. But maybe that’s just the photo. Of the naked dude. Wearing the mask. In the dark.

In any event, sweet, sugary Jesus, protect me. If you’re busy, put Shiva on the phone. Buddha, Zeus, anyone! I don’t care. I am terrified and need some sort of supernatural assistance. That’s supernatural creepiness I’m up against.

Stephen Spooky creepy, supernatural, wtf

I know, I know, this is wildly off-topic. Not free. Not unrealistically for sale. Not even a free service, like some posts. But hey, people on the voting page seemed to like it. So in the spirit of helping reduce unemployment worldwide, by one, we bring you “Astronaut Needed.”

Sure, you won’t make it out alive, but at least you’ll have helped realize someone’s dream. Or hallucination.

There’s a seemingly related post over at Emails From Crazy People.

Found by: Caitlin on Calgary Craiglist

Astronaut needed for experimental flight to Titan. I have been working on this project now for near 40 years and am afraid I’m no longer fit enough to go.
My secret space craft is the result of my professional experience and imagination while serving the U.S. military in advanced aeronautics as a scientist.

The craft harnesses a revolutionary propulsion system and its fuselage is fabricated with the most advanced material. While considerably safe, I am certain you will make it safely to Titan but there will not be enough fuel to get home. This is for someone unique that has always wanted to see the universe first-hand and has perhaps a terminal view on life here at home. Here’s your shot at romantic history.
Must be:
-physically fit.
-mentally sound.
-over the age of 18.
-a dreamer.
-a believer.
-not afraid of heights.
-not afraid of extreme conditions such as speed, pressure, heat, etc.
-brave.
-no taller than 5′10 and relatively slim.
-good eye-sight & hearing.
-manual dexterity (although the craft is largely cpu controlled).
-OK in cramped conditions for long periods of time.

Hmm. I qualify in every way, except the dreamer, believer, and suicidal characteristics. Rats.

Stephen Epic Listing astronaut, wtf

Found by: Chris on Lexington Craigslist

MUST pick up! Reply to this ad if you want it!

“Hi, I’m calling about that free ____ you’re getting rid of. It looks great. I’d really like to use it for my ____. Does it still ____ well? Is the ____ working? That often breaks. OK. How many ____ does it take? Oh, that’s a lot, nice. That’ll fit in my ____, right? I don’t need to rent a _____? Why are you getting rid of it, did something go wrong with the ____? Oh, a little fritzy, huh? Did you look at the ____? And that didn’t fix it? Well, I’ve got some ____ tools just for ____, so I can probably figure it out.”

But seriously, what?

Update: apparently, this is some sort of pool filter – one that the poster didn’t want anyone to be able to do a search for.

In any event, I keep getting messages from someone going by the handle “Bananas Idol Me”* saying it looks perfect for a project he’s working on. He’s apparently in Afghanistan somewhere.

*This looks suspiciously like an anagram.

Stephen as-is mysterious, wtf

Hello fellow craigslurkers and bargain hunters. I wanted to to introduce you to the marvelous work of Sara Lorimer of Lovely Listing. She and her real estate combing cronies have been collecting the most hilarious, sad, and simply mind boggling images from real estate listings all over the world. I include for you, a sampling:

Escape From Hamster Hoosgow – Lovely Listing

Imagine Them Tap Dancing! – Lovely Listing

Cats are okay – purrrrrr – Lovely Listing

Junktown Jerky Vendor A Word From the MgMt, Epic Listing alf, chair, hamster, lovely listing, pants, real estate, sara, wtf

Found On: Orange County Craigslist By: Scott S

I have a bag of my dreadlocks, available for free to the person that has the greatest need. They were cut off a few weeks ago, as they were starting to get quite heavy (especially when wet). They’re clean, and vary in length from a few inches to about a foot long. I’m not sure how many pieces there are, but probably somewhere in the neighborhood of 60 or so.
Locks of Love won’t take dreadlocks, and since I don’t need them any more (I still have plenty on my head; I didn’t cut them all off, just had a trim), I figured somebody on Craigslist might want to use them. Some possible uses:
- a wig, maybe for a play or costume
- tie them together to make a rope
- weave them into a tiny hammock for a pet
- crochet them into a pot holder
They’re free, but the only thing I ask is that you let me know what they’re used for, and send a picture.

Looking at the post, you can tell this is a put on. They beat us to the joking. “Greatest need,” LOL! “Tiny hammock for a pet” ha! Of course, if they were serious, they would have suggested stapling these to a Dodgers hat to make a Manny Ramirez costume.

But let’s say these are being given away, and you can go pick these up. Aren’t there laws against this sort of thing? Isn’t this how plagues spread? Why is this ok?

I got a haircut about a week ago, and I didn’t ask them to bag up the remains for me to take. I saw the hairs on the poncho and on the ground, and thought “ick.” And they were my own.

If they’re not my own, I’m gonna think “ick plus.” If they’re dreadlocks, I’m going to think “soap has never penetrated these. There is a kingdom of mites and other beasties within. Years and years of someone’s head grease coat every gnarled kink. Ick plus plus plus.”

By the way, these french fries taste awful.

Nit Picker classy gross, human hair, request, suggested uses, wtf

Found On: Fort Collins Craigslist By: Dwight M

Free twin matress and box springs… yes it is used, yes it has stains but if you are in need it will due.

Mattress, murder scene, whatever.

It’s too bad this poster couldn’t have held out until late October. Haunted house proprietors would be all over this. As it is, the evidence is just going to sit out on the corner, and the jig is up.

Nit Picker Spooky dirty, dubious, is that blood, unsanitary, wtf